The experience was real, horrible, and embarrassing. I did forget to sign my printed name at the application letter I made. Damn! I flunked! Supah failure to the nth power. How can a very little simple signature tear my ever waiting big event?
It was so damn awful. Worst is they may possibly perceive my personality on my first encounter with them. We know the famous, "first impression lasts", sometimes. I hope it won't be just sometimes, but it's really not.
One more, during the interview session, duh!, my confidence dug into the ground. Where was it? It left me, talking a bit of sense and simple few words in answering the HR personnel's questions. How would answer when she asked, "What machines had you handled before?". Blank and silence surrounded my foggy mind. No words came out from my mind in few seconds. And, the least good thing was I replied, "NGT". Oh gosh! What did I just say? An NGT, a machine? It is not a machine but an equipment, a simple tube to be inserted via the nose into the stomach.
By that time, I started to feel butterflies in my stomach, heartbeat pacing fast, and my anxiety heightened. Nevertheless the mixed emotions, I was honest and simply natural with my words. I admitted that I had not handled various machines during my clinical experience. However, I witnessed how the machines were used. Also, when I was using the machines for ECG and hemodialysis, it was with assistance by a professional for I was only a novice or beginner at that time. Moreover, I had not had any working experience but my IVT training lately. It is for the reason that I'm a fresh board passer from November set of exams.
Fortunately, I gained my confidence with my simple wit and truthfulness. It aided me, but not enough to vanish the anxiety bothering and sinking me. After all those terrible and death-giving instances, it didn't pull me down. I'm still optimistic and praying to have it.
However, sometimes I feel schizotypal (personality disorder), in which everything happens the opposite way of what I thought and hoping preceding the time it is expected. The prime reason is, oftentimes, the fantasy thought sindeed happen. The opposite of what I perceived usually occurs. By that, I do thought-stopping strategy or think the other way of what I am desiring, so in time, the desirable event will come.
After all those pessimistic thoughts and circumstances, I did not and will not stop hoping for, even not the best, but just the good result of what I am inspiring. Reminiscing the past actions and events indeed still makes me anxious, coward, and down. Still, it aches.
With faith, I prefer to seize the disturbing feeling and instill the optimistic courageous attitude in me. Noting will happen if I continue to recognize and welcome the unwanted and undesirable perception in my mind. I believe, creating a prayer will help me with trust.
"I believe, God has a better future planned for me. If it is not good for me, maybe a challenging one that will make me realize things as lessons and mold me a better person. I rely on a view that God will not give us problems or tasks that we can't surpass. These obstacles are made for us to beat. Indeed, this insight made me positively move forward."
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