PULL of DEATH

Do you feel the loneliness bothering you, like death is approaching? Feeling lame and anhedonic, with a bit of catatonic. Compared to a stone on the ground, inanimate and worthless. Indeed, I am depressed again. Again and again, it ebbs and flows.

Currently, the awkward ambiance is luring me to melancholy again. The sensation is never unfamiliar, as it comes and goes on some points of my being. Ironic, I am in the habit of it, but not once at ease. Every touch of the aura aches and affects my entirety. The feeling is out of ordinary. It pours gloominess and takes away the zest in me. I feel something is pulling me down, frozen and imperceptible.


Blame it to boredom and longing. My pining to sufficient happiness is hopeless and getting worst. Boredom oftentimes envelopes my surroundings. Honestly, I can't understand the usual feeling. It makes sense the fact that I prefer to be dead than experiencing this touch of dolor. 


All I aspire is to have a life of my own, a life not dictated by any, with freedom and self-verdict.

I BOTCHED o_O

          The experience was real, horrible, and embarrassing. I did forget to sign my printed name at the application letter I made. Damn! I flunked! Supah failure to the nth power. How can a very little simple signature tear my ever waiting big event? 

          It was so damn awful. Worst is they may possibly perceive my personality on my first encounter with them. We know the famous, "first impression lasts", sometimes. I hope it won't be just sometimes, but it's really not. 

          One more, during the interview session, duh!, my confidence dug into the ground. Where was it? It left me, talking a bit of sense and simple few words in answering the HR personnel's questions. How would answer when she asked, "What machines had you handled before?". Blank and silence surrounded my foggy mind. No words came out from my mind in few seconds. And, the least good thing was I replied, "NGT". Oh gosh! What did I just say? An NGT, a machine? It is not a machine but an equipment, a simple tube to be inserted via the nose into the stomach. 

          By that time, I started to feel butterflies in my stomach, heartbeat pacing fast, and my anxiety heightened. Nevertheless the mixed emotions, I was honest and simply natural with my words. I admitted that I had not handled various machines during my clinical experience.  However, I witnessed how the machines were used. Also, when I was using the machines for ECG and hemodialysis, it was with assistance by a professional for I was only a novice or beginner at that time. Moreover, I had not had any working experience but my IVT training lately. It is for the reason that I'm a fresh board passer from November set of exams.

          Fortunately, I gained my confidence with my simple wit and truthfulness. It aided me, but not enough to vanish the anxiety bothering and sinking me. After all those terrible and death-giving instances, it didn't pull me down. I'm still optimistic and praying to have it.

          However, sometimes I feel schizotypal (personality disorder), in which everything happens the opposite way of what I thought and hoping preceding the time it is expected. The prime reason is, oftentimes, the fantasy thought sindeed happen. The opposite of what  I perceived usually occurs. By that, I do thought-stopping strategy or think the other way of what I am desiring, so in time, the desirable event will come. 

          After all those pessimistic thoughts and circumstances, I did not and will not stop hoping for, even not the best, but just the good result of what I am inspiring. Reminiscing the past actions and events indeed still makes me anxious, coward, and down. Still, it aches.

          With faith, I prefer to seize the disturbing feeling and instill the optimistic courageous attitude in me. Noting will happen if I continue to recognize and welcome the unwanted and undesirable perception in my mind. I believe, creating a prayer will help me with trust.

          "I believe, God has a better future planned for me. If it is not good for me, maybe a challenging one that will make me realize things as lessons and mold me a better person. I rely on a view that God will not give us problems or tasks that we can't surpass. These obstacles are made for us to beat. Indeed, this insight made me positively move forward."

Amazing Vidz wid Audrey and Gamaliel

            The first time I saw this two videos shared to me by my cousin, I was really struck by their amazing and outrageous talents. Really extra-ordinary. With their voices and nice blending, some of the people even thought that their version is better than the original...hehe... But still, credits to the original songs and the artists who delivered the song so well and made these  Indonesian teens admire and imitate the songs.

Just Dance (acapella) by Lady Gaga

            Of all the songs they had uploaded on Youtube, Just Dance (acapella) is really the most awesome, for me. The beat and harmony really have the right tune. It is so musically delivered. Gamaliel has the hardest part, though, he still made the music zestful. The role is not that easy when he did the beatbox while singing. Also, Audrey has one of the cutest and sweetest voices. 

Telephone by Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce Knowles

             Telephone, a fast-paced pop dance music is a bit hard though, for me, they still made it  with vivacious rhythm. As we can see at the end, they really had multiple bloopers before they had perfected the melody. They deserve an applause for their determination and drive to finish the song.

Lucky by Jason Mraz & Colbi Caillat

 

          Lucky for them, that Lucky is meant to be sung so sweet. They made it different and lovely. They can go the higher pitch than what was sung originally. With their renditions, hopefully they can produce songs from their original pieces and even capture more hearts...